I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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