"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
