If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
