I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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