i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
