made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You are the jesus of drinking
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
