sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
false alarm. still invincible.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
