Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
