Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
