dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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