Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That accounts for only three of the penises
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
