New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
