Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
