I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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