You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
