That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
