I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
