3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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