Buhtt sex?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
