After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
