I'm drive I can fine osifer
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
