So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
