Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
