i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
