I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
