If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
