You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
