On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
