So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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