I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
