Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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