im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
