you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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