I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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