Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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