When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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