I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it's great music for shaving your balls
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
