I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
