I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
