yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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