put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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