i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
