There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
