Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
