shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
