I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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