I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
