No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
