Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
