If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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