Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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